About three weeks ago, my two youngest kiddos became very sick. VERY SICK. This was evidenced by the fact that I finally, after several days, decided to take them to the doctor. I almost never take my kids to the doctor unless they are going in for a scheduled check up. Or someone's toe is about to fall off. But since they both had barely eaten in days and neither could stand up on their own (OK, that's normal for Violet at six months old, but not so much for Eli), I finally called the pediatrician's office and took them in. It was on a Saturday, or "take what you can get" day. My normal pediatrician wasn't there. Instead, I got a young male doctor who is new to the practice. We'll just call him Dr. Young, since I still don't know (or care) what his real name is.

When I saw Dr. Young initially, he seemed to be pretty decent. Of course, I was stressed out and had only gotten, oh, maybe 15 minutes of sleep that week, so he could have diagnosed my kids with bubonic plague and I might just not remember. But he prescribed them both antibiotics (and then, not so endearingly, displayed a complete inability to properly send the prescription into my pharmacy) and seemed reassuring, so I left feeling mostly positive about him. I even scheduled the follow-up appointment that he said was standard. Now, I KNOW that an ear infection (what he ended up treating them for) does not require a follow-up. But given how sick they were, I decided that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea.

Which brings us to today. And five quick and easy steps for how to lose a patient in 10 minutes.

1. Don't actually come into the exam room until 30 minutes after the scheduled appointment. Yes, yes, I know that I have already gone past ten minutes. Of course, you didn't think the a DOCTOR'S time starts at the same time our does, did you? They are, after all, god-like and not beholden to something as inconsequential as time like the rest of us are. But for someone like me, with five kids, being stuck in a tiny room full of things not to touch when the temperature is set to approximately three degrees hotter than Hell...Not a good way to start. I respected your time by being there when I said...you respect my time by not booking more patients than you could ever possibly see on time so you'll still be full even if someone cancels.
2. When you walk in the door and the six-year-old in the room (who isn't as concerned about politeness as his mother) asks why you took so long to get there, don't say anything. And, for heaven's sake, don't even THINK about apologizing for the delay.
3. When the five-year-old in the room (who isn't one of the two kids actually scheduled to see you) decides to tell you that he has been coughing for a couple of days, look at him and say, "Did you bring your co-pay?" I don't care how "jokingly" you say it, that is obviously meant to send a message to me as a mom that you aren't planning to check out the kid who isn't being billed scheduled for an appointment (and who I had no intention of having you check out). And it makes you look CLASSY.
4. When I show up for that unnecessary follow-up that you just scheduled because Hey! Two more easy office visits at $90 each!, spend approximately two minutes on the kids with the appointments. Then tell me that my daughter still has fluid in her one year. Then walk out the door without making any suggestions about treating the fluid that is still in her ear. Because if I'm taking the time and my insurance company's money to come make sure the problem is gone, there is nothing as thrilling as finding out it is still there and not having you treat it! Funny, I thought that was the whole idea...
5. As you walk out the door, tell me to go ahead and get everyone ready to go while you get my paperwork. Then never come back. Send it to the front desk instead, so I feel like a total idiot for standing there and waiting for you.

Yes, people, I dislike most doctors. I am grateful for modern medicine when I need it, but I am generally not a big fan of the doctors. And young doctors who are still building their practices (and, therefore, do things like schedule unnecessary "follow-up" appointments to keep their days full? Drive. Me. Crazy. I went through this once before with a young pediatrician in the practice. I got to the point where I wouldn't let them schedule my kids with her. My regular pediatrician isn't like that. Not that I didn't go through a period where I considered finding another doctor when she inherited us after our original pediatrician died unexpectedly, but we worked it out. I don't know if she mellowed over the years, or if she just figured out that I didn't want her unsolicited opinions on things like co-sleeping and scheduling my children. Either way, I like her now. 

But Dr. Young? I suppose it is time that I learn his real name. That's the only way I can be sure to avoid another appointment with him.